Blog 1: The Etiquette of Not Donating

Canning is the act of asking complete strangers outside of Columbia bars for money to benefit a good cause. As can be inferred in the name, the primary tool for this job is in fact a can which is held out in hopes that people, when drunk or feeling guilty enough, will drop in money as a donation. The point is, canning is to Mizzou as sucking at football is to Kansas—a tradition.
Now, I’m going to level with you, I don’t know much about traditions at Mizzou just yet. As an incoming freshman, all I was really told about MU culture was that seniors get precedence over everything. Granted, the validity of the claim is questionable considering I was told by my older sister who was a senior at the time, but, coming in, that was honestly all I had to go by. The reality is I didn’t know much about the ins and outs of this school, but that didn’t mean I didn’t know what went down in Columbia. After living here for 11 years, I was confident that I knew ole’ CoMO like the back of my hand and would be able to tackle this campus like our very own “Spoon.” Well, to put it plainly, I was completely wrong. I wasn’t living in a dorm because I didn’t have the money, I had no idea where I was going, and the lecture halls seemed more like Ellis Island than classrooms. All in all, I was worried I would be a total bust as a future leader at Mizzou.
My first experience with canning on the MU campus happened a few months ago. It was a Thursday and probably the first of many unreasonably cold nights in Columbia. With our cans in hand, I and few friends were stationed all down 9th Street like a platoon waiting to pounce on anyone either nice enough to genuinely donate or drunk enough that they don’t know the difference. We were standing there, freezing our butts off, for an event called Dance Marathon, which, as I’m embarrassed to admit, culminated in me and several hundred other fellow students moon-walking and crumping away for eight straight hours. Now, as someone that has dancing abilities comparable to a toddler, the dance part was, let’s just say, memorable. But then again, so was canning.
There were three particular instances from that night that jumped out at me because of just how ridiculous they were, and not in a good “they donated a $20 bill!” way. When you think about it, asking for money shouldn’t be such a big deal when you’re doing it for a good cause like we were. Too bad I realized then that canning would bring out the best of the worst in people, and by that I mean the ingenious ways they avoided donating. People, in a fit of unprecedented resourcefulness, devised ways of evading the terror of parting with their loose change that baffle me to this day.
For the benefit of anyone that refuses to part with their money, I’m going to go ahead and take these innovative avoidance maneuvers public. If at any time you really badly need to stop from donating money but can’t think of anything original, these are proven winners:
“The airport pat-down”—This is a beginners-level avoidance-technique that basically explains itself. Coming from me, someone who has gotten patted down at every U.S. airport I’ve ever been to, the pat down is simple and takes little practice to master. All you have to do is, as you approach the person asking for money, go through a series of pats all over the body including the chest, torso, arms, even face if you’re really feeling it. Think of it as a quick version of the “head and shoulders” song. The key is to steer clear from patting the back pocket because we all know you actually do have money back there.
“The problem with plastic”—You have to at least look old enough to carry some form of credit card for this work (in others words, I can’t even attempt this until three days after my last shave), so it might not work all the time. The way this works is basically you’ve got to have enough of a poker face to convince the person asking for money that, for those seven seconds it takes to walk by them, that you are eternally devoted to the use of credit cards. Even if you’re chocked full of singles, your face has to sell the idea that you are as committed to credit cards as Popeye is to his high-spinach diet.
“See no donating, hear no donating, do no donating”—This one is by far the hardest one to pull off because you’re not just acting like you don’t have money, but that you actually don’t even notice the person asking for money. The idea here is to make yourself into someone that’s as deaf as post with no peripheral vision so donating is completely out of the question. You’ll need some supplies, the most important of these are headphones (iPod optional) to pretend like you listing to music so loud you can’t hear, sunglasses (even at night) so your eyes don’t give you away, and a hoodie (it doesn’t matter how hot it is, you must avoid donating!) pulled all the over your head to eliminate any peripheral vision. Once, you’ve assembled all these tools, just walk down the street like one of the Bee Gees and completely ignore everyone, including the person holding the can from two feet away. Use some caution, however, as some might mistake you for the unabomber with your mysterious get-up.
Finally, an honorable mention goes to the ever-popular “talking-and-donating dilemma” in which all you have to do is fake an urgent phone call from your mother right next to the person. Your safest bet is to pick up and immediately act like you’re getting news of some horrific car accident or fire that completely demands your attention and all you can muster is a wry shrug indicating your inability to focus on anything else. Make sure, of course, that your phone is actually on vibrate because if you get a call while your faking it, well, let’s just say you look like a certain kind of hygienic bag.
Basically, these techniques, when mastered, will help you keep avoid the wrath of canners like me. New innovations in the study of avoidance techniques are emerging every single day so don’t feel that you have to cave into giving money if you can’t pull one of these off. To play it safe, just go ahead and avoid street corners all together and learn to walk in diagonals. In the end, however, nothing is going to stop people like me from standing in the cold demanding your spare change. It’s just tradition, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

To find out more about MU Dance Marathon click here!

Go Tigers! - Mahir Khan