The Facebook "friend" test

Human beings simply don’t get any better looking than George Clooney. With his rugged, tanned features and his Rico Suave personality, he could sweep me off my feet with a chuckle, if even that. If you haven’t figured it out already, I kind of have a man-crush on this guy, but can you blame me?
Now, the reason I say this is because I recently watched the movie Up in the Air which features Clooney as basically a cooler, more professional version of one of the Bobs from Office Space, and it really got my gears churning. Apart from the unbelievable acting, the thing that I liked most about the movie was the message that “moving is living.” To be clear, I don’t actually agree with this but it brings up some issues regarding what type of people we have become.
In the movie, Clooney’s character continuously implies that relationships are “baggage” that stop us from living life. Now, there is some truth to this statement because, when you think of it, things like Facebook that are used to “maintain” relationships end up eating up time for no reason. Every time I get online I always somehow end up on Facebook, and, when I figure it out, I feel like I was sleepwalking and suddenly woke up from hitting a wall.
Out of a given day, I would have to say I check my Facebook at least five or six times just in case someone happened to have liked my unoriginal status about potholes or commented on my posed picture in front of a misspelled sign. But when you really think about it, a relationship that consists of writing one-liners back and forth isn’t a relationship at all—it’s more like having a pen pal that doesn’t speak English well enough to write anything important.
When I take the number of “friends” I have on Facebook and see how many people I have an actual relationship with, to be honest, it’s kind of sad. The number dwindles down to twenty, thirty, maybe forty at the most. What seems like a trash bag full of relationships turns out to be more like a zip-lock sandwich bag with leftover crumbs.
My point is, relationships really aren’t what keep people from growing—rather, it’s the formalities that go with them. I’m not saying we should throw common courtesies out the window, but too often does our need to make superficial connections take the place of actually keeping real friendships alive.
The way this all comes together is that basically relationships between people aren’t what keep us from living. Instead, they’re the things that motivate us to keep doing the things we do. I guess in the end, I do owe George Clooney some credit because he was right that sometimes relationships are just baggage, but for the most part they’re what keep us human.
The irony of this movie is that it’s out during a time when people are showing the most of what it means to have relationships. The recent events in Haiti have shown that relationships are what keep the lives of thousands from going from bad to worse. Before the earthquake, most people on this campus probably only knew that Haiti exists because of Wyclef Jean, but that’s not stopping people from feeling donating time and money, and, at the very least, just feeling bad.
The truth is, humans can form a relationship with nearly anything. Pets and plants of course, but, come on, you can’t tell me whenever you accidentally break your pencil a little bit of you dies inside. It’s not as if that pencil had any feelings, it’s not as if you talked to it and told it about your feelings—people just make connections with stuff.
In the end, as a leader at Mizzou, the people that you meet and have relationships with are paramount. Even though it is certainly less than ideal, our Facebook profiles are many times what dictate our social image. From political affiliations to whether or not I like Harry Potter (which I do, of course), my Facebook profile contains more personal information than my résumé or passport does, but that doesn’t mean who I am is limited to what’s on my “Info” tab. Many reputations and relationships have been built on line, but at the same time many have been broken down too. I guess, the point is, just as you can’t really know what Mizzou is like without a campus visit, you can’t really know somebody until you actually meet them, and, if they’re worth that much trouble anyway, they’re probably worth more than one more friend request on Facebook.

Blog 1: The Etiquette of Not Donating

Canning is the act of asking complete strangers outside of Columbia bars for money to benefit a good cause. As can be inferred in the name, the primary tool for this job is in fact a can which is held out in hopes that people, when drunk or feeling guilty enough, will drop in money as a donation. The point is, canning is to Mizzou as sucking at football is to Kansas—a tradition.
Now, I’m going to level with you, I don’t know much about traditions at Mizzou just yet. As an incoming freshman, all I was really told about MU culture was that seniors get precedence over everything. Granted, the validity of the claim is questionable considering I was told by my older sister who was a senior at the time, but, coming in, that was honestly all I had to go by. The reality is I didn’t know much about the ins and outs of this school, but that didn’t mean I didn’t know what went down in Columbia. After living here for 11 years, I was confident that I knew ole’ CoMO like the back of my hand and would be able to tackle this campus like our very own “Spoon.” Well, to put it plainly, I was completely wrong. I wasn’t living in a dorm because I didn’t have the money, I had no idea where I was going, and the lecture halls seemed more like Ellis Island than classrooms. All in all, I was worried I would be a total bust as a future leader at Mizzou.
My first experience with canning on the MU campus happened a few months ago. It was a Thursday and probably the first of many unreasonably cold nights in Columbia. With our cans in hand, I and few friends were stationed all down 9th Street like a platoon waiting to pounce on anyone either nice enough to genuinely donate or drunk enough that they don’t know the difference. We were standing there, freezing our butts off, for an event called Dance Marathon, which, as I’m embarrassed to admit, culminated in me and several hundred other fellow students moon-walking and crumping away for eight straight hours. Now, as someone that has dancing abilities comparable to a toddler, the dance part was, let’s just say, memorable. But then again, so was canning.
There were three particular instances from that night that jumped out at me because of just how ridiculous they were, and not in a good “they donated a $20 bill!” way. When you think about it, asking for money shouldn’t be such a big deal when you’re doing it for a good cause like we were. Too bad I realized then that canning would bring out the best of the worst in people, and by that I mean the ingenious ways they avoided donating. People, in a fit of unprecedented resourcefulness, devised ways of evading the terror of parting with their loose change that baffle me to this day.
For the benefit of anyone that refuses to part with their money, I’m going to go ahead and take these innovative avoidance maneuvers public. If at any time you really badly need to stop from donating money but can’t think of anything original, these are proven winners:
“The airport pat-down”—This is a beginners-level avoidance-technique that basically explains itself. Coming from me, someone who has gotten patted down at every U.S. airport I’ve ever been to, the pat down is simple and takes little practice to master. All you have to do is, as you approach the person asking for money, go through a series of pats all over the body including the chest, torso, arms, even face if you’re really feeling it. Think of it as a quick version of the “head and shoulders” song. The key is to steer clear from patting the back pocket because we all know you actually do have money back there.
“The problem with plastic”—You have to at least look old enough to carry some form of credit card for this work (in others words, I can’t even attempt this until three days after my last shave), so it might not work all the time. The way this works is basically you’ve got to have enough of a poker face to convince the person asking for money that, for those seven seconds it takes to walk by them, that you are eternally devoted to the use of credit cards. Even if you’re chocked full of singles, your face has to sell the idea that you are as committed to credit cards as Popeye is to his high-spinach diet.
“See no donating, hear no donating, do no donating”—This one is by far the hardest one to pull off because you’re not just acting like you don’t have money, but that you actually don’t even notice the person asking for money. The idea here is to make yourself into someone that’s as deaf as post with no peripheral vision so donating is completely out of the question. You’ll need some supplies, the most important of these are headphones (iPod optional) to pretend like you listing to music so loud you can’t hear, sunglasses (even at night) so your eyes don’t give you away, and a hoodie (it doesn’t matter how hot it is, you must avoid donating!) pulled all the over your head to eliminate any peripheral vision. Once, you’ve assembled all these tools, just walk down the street like one of the Bee Gees and completely ignore everyone, including the person holding the can from two feet away. Use some caution, however, as some might mistake you for the unabomber with your mysterious get-up.
Finally, an honorable mention goes to the ever-popular “talking-and-donating dilemma” in which all you have to do is fake an urgent phone call from your mother right next to the person. Your safest bet is to pick up and immediately act like you’re getting news of some horrific car accident or fire that completely demands your attention and all you can muster is a wry shrug indicating your inability to focus on anything else. Make sure, of course, that your phone is actually on vibrate because if you get a call while your faking it, well, let’s just say you look like a certain kind of hygienic bag.
Basically, these techniques, when mastered, will help you keep avoid the wrath of canners like me. New innovations in the study of avoidance techniques are emerging every single day so don’t feel that you have to cave into giving money if you can’t pull one of these off. To play it safe, just go ahead and avoid street corners all together and learn to walk in diagonals. In the end, however, nothing is going to stop people like me from standing in the cold demanding your spare change. It’s just tradition, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

To find out more about MU Dance Marathon click here!

Go Tigers! - Mahir Khan

Vazzup from a Mizzou Leader!

As a quick introduction before you jump right into my awesome blog, I am Mahir Khan, a mere freshman at the most kick-butt school north of the South Pole: Mizzou! Now, our dominance over other schools has been in question of late due to the mergence of other more academically inclined (i.e. they suck at sports so they stick to the books) institutions like Harvard and other places with huge private endowments. Of course, our main rival is one just west of the border, but lets not get into that because, let’s face it, there just isn’t a comparison worth looking into because we’re that much more superior. Back to what I was saying, don’t fret about the others my compadres because, despite not having such a glamorous reputation yet, Mizzou could take on any of those schools and totally destroy them like Chewbacca tearing through droids. On top of many explanations (including have athletic teams that have actually been in the AP Top 25 within that last century), the main reason for our supremacy is because we have a secret weapon: student leaders. At MU, students can take charge and make a difference every day and because of that we rock like The Beatles! Anyway, the point of this blog is for you to get an idea of what it’s like to be a Mizzou Leader, and, for some reason, yours truly is helping you do that. If you haven’t figure it out already, my style of communication is not as professional or dignified as most others so try to keep up with my ridiculous sayings and see what it takes to be a Mizzou Leader!

To find out more about being a Mizzou Leader visit: www.leadership.missouri.edu

Go Tigers! - Mahir Khan